Time has told, and the decree is a resounding...NO.

Tony and I had another one of our little talks again, the ones that revolve around our respective love lives. He brought up the fact that he had recently read my xanga, and so I was reminded to update my new and improved blog. Not quite that new anymore, and the writing probably not that improved. In fact, I'm pretty sure my grammar and spelling have already gone down the toilet. I'm surprised that words are actually forming under my fingertips.

Ah, so update on this year.

Junior year man!

Goodness.

I really enjoy being in Lantana again this year because I'm close to the kids in Kimball and because the people here are so cool. I slightly regret having applied to be an RA though. This feeling started in the back of bag of emotions before this quarter even started, when I read that sudden and horrible email that David sent me. Ever since then, this fetid little sucker has started decomposing and sending out its stinky little fingers, permeating my emotions and existence as an RA this quarter. Without David here, I don't have fun as an RA anymore. Without David here, I find myself wanting to connect with my residents on a deeper level because I do not have the emotional support anymore. I wish my responsibilities as an RA did not make people see me in a different light and put me in a little glass box in the corner. I want to connect and make friends in Lantana, just like I did last year. Don't just wave and say hi, be my friend dammit. I'm just really glad that I have Justin by my side. For some reason, I feel like we're family now...something close to a best friend just by the measure of the number of hours I hang out with him everyday.

On a happier note, I'm glad that the whole MCAT issue is over for the next few weeks. Now, I can concentrating on skipping class and having fun, instead of skipping class and studying! Bwahahaha. After MCATs last Saturday, I imbibed in a way I had never before. I expanded both my repertoire of drinks and amount of alcohol downed by two fold! After walking back from the Row (b/c Helen forgot her ID), I then went and proceeded to terrorize my residents and increase the number of guys & gals that I have kissed by three fold! A great night, I have to say. I wonder what they think of me now. Am I still an RA that is inaccessible? I think not!

I wonder, shall I talk about my current interest? I haven't typed about any boy aside from Andrew for the last three (at LEAST) years of my life. Boy this feels funny. I am finally free from him! Thank the lord! And who knew that it's even possible for me to like another person. I'm not so sure though. I know I'm physically attracted to him. I like hanging out with him. Is there anything else there though? Time will tell.

Time for midterm studying!

FUCK I'm so asian.

I have finally started using the moleskin that Christine got me a while back. It's proven to be very handy and very useful. Who knew that I actually think so much over the course of a day? haha

It's been quite some time since I wrote anything down here, but it's time for a really really small update.

Mom and Elson are coming tomorrow! I'm incredibly excited!!!! This is my one and only contact w/ family until winter fucking break. *sigh* I miss everyone! But I have a really good feeling about this coming year. It'd going to be hectic and fun! I hope at least.

On another note. I think I like androgenous guys. I know that everyone knows already, but it really hit me today--especially after I finished watching "The Rose" tonight. "Finish" as in more like, watching half the episodes and skipping to the end. In the show, Joe Cheng plays a bisexual guy with long hair that falls in love with his older brother and younger sister. The relationships are more complicated than that, but that's the general gist. Not as perverse or incestuous as it sounds though, I swear. When watching this show, I felt a lot of emotions and arrived at quite a few conclusions about myself and about current events. I now realize that I'm a complete sucker for romantic things. But not just romantic things, mind you...romantic things and circumstances that will never ever never ever ever ever happen in real life. I get myself hyped up and fantasizing about things that will never happen. I know it will never happen, but I still enjoy dreaming and putting myself in the shoes of Bai He, the main character that gets to steal kisses from androgenous Joe. Goddammit he looks good with long hair and feminine mannerisms.

And because of Joe, I realize that there actually are good looking asian guys. Whenever I watch him in action or see a picture of him, I have to pinch myself and wake myself up. I can never end up with him. In fact, I will probably never see him again. Still, I deem myself incredibly lucky to have ever seen him. Who knew I'm such a school girl? I had no idea I would find myself at a loss for words...or would have difficultly breathing...or would have a racing heartbeat...when I finally met him. After his little event in Taiwan, I feel like I like him more and more. I find myself being incredibly superficial. I'm obsessed with the way he looks, but even more, I feel like the characters that he's played in the Taiwanese soaps he's in is the main reason that I adore him. Zhi Shu. Kui. In fact, maybe even Kui, the pretty gay boy, more than Zhi Shu.

When was the last time I was phsycially attracted to an asian man? The summer after 6th grade. Dear Austin Li. That was a long time ago wasn't it. Before I was completely white washed in Jewville Pearce High School. However superficial this is. Winnie, promise yourself, you won't compromise in the guys you love and date. Is there such a thing though? An asian guy, that's tall, beautiful, and smart? Maybe. But he'd probably be an ass too. Or worse, taken. hahaha Austin was just tall, beautiful, and...an ass. And even that was hard to fine. But still! I. Refuse. To. Compromise!

And you know what Winnie, the next time you go back to Taiwan--*hopefully next year during winter break or something*--you will be skinny enough to send in an application to be a model at Joe Cheng's modeling agency. Who knoes =)

All right.

Stupidly delusional Winnie signing off.

Good night.

Dearest Journal,

Sorry I've left you neglected for so long. Somedays I feel like writing. Somedays I don't. But most days, I just do not have the time.

I just want to write about last night in order to keep the memory, to remind myself of the human condition, and to correct the mistake that I have fallen into.

Put it simply. Last night was amazing.

Maybe it was because I had no stress after the midterm. Maybe it was because it was a Friday. Maybe it was because of the music selection. Still, I felt sillier than I have in awhile, and I felt like I was able to let loose. Truth be told, I dreaded going on the ice. Everytime I go, I have to relearn the little motor skill it takes to awkwardly propel, nay, paddle, myself forward with my skates. Something has got to be wrong with my cerebellum. Or maybe the whole activity is too feminine for me to master. But skating hand in hand with Peng, I felt so much better. It was like I was using him as a human balance--what a slut. haha

Skating, bantering, and hanging out with Peng, Helen, Yao, Francis, Jonathan, everybody, I felt completely at peace with myself and completely happy. Ever since freshman year started, I've had this preconception of what I want my friendships to be like because of the Goons and Andrew. After not finding anybody nearly like them, I felt alone. What I have with the Goons is very special. I miss them so much, but I cannot expect all my friends and my friendships to be like that. After last night, I've realized that. From this day on, I vouch to not resent Stanford anymore. I hope.



Mmmmmmmm. Paul McCartney: This Never Happened Before

Sometimes I wish I had a single. Sometimes I wish you wouldn't resent me with your silences and your caustic comments.

I know it's hard not having your love around. I know it's been hard on you this quarter, and my heart breaks to see you like this...but he'll be back soon. Open your heart, open your mind to new experiences and people. Let them see what a great person you are. Let them fall in love with you as I did last year.

I miss you. I hope you return next quarter.
____________________________________

Sometimes I wish I were at UT.

A completely selfish notion, I know. I've lost my best friend. No, more, I've lost part of myself. I give you my heart, but you don't give a damn. I know, you were the one to break up with me, so I need to be the one to move on. But I can't help thinking of you. And I can't help thinking I will never be happy ever again.

I want to see a point to living again.




Is there a way to turn back time?
Forget all my yesterdays, till it all seems alright.

dear god, being above who may or may not exist,

thank you.

it is seldom that i find myself happy where i am. and here, sitting in the cold, barren basement of green library, i am content and thankful. it's as if nothing occurs without reason. last year i renewed my faith in the goodness of people, and this year brings me back to the long lost kentucky buddy that i met almost 2 years ago at admit weekend. such a small world.

last year, jealous of the social bonds that people living in frosh dorms had, i was sad that i was screwed over and deprived of people i can actually click with. this year, it's getting better.

maybe it's all pre-ordained. maybe life has been pre-programmed not to suck as much as i think it should.

we'll see. i can't wait for ski trip. more importantly, i can't wait for friday to roll around. masoleum party and desecration here we come!!!